The lifecycle of caring

It's how someone's random remarks become endearing. Their face flashes for a split second, even when you're not thinking about them (or so you thought). It's the extra energy you find when you're about to call it a day, but apparently there's something more important than rest. It's when they smile and right then and there, you hope they get to live a happy life. And also secretly hope you get to play a part in that.

*

Now that's where you start to wonder. Whether these feelings are uncalled for. Is it too much, given what has and hasn't happened. And that lead you to doubts. Do they feel the same way, and does it even matter. Is it worth forgoing your ego, at the risk of seeming too easy. You know detaching would be the convenient way out, so as much as you can be in tune at each juncture, you choose another path.

*

Acceptance is the bedrock of this path. That the world owes you nothing, and they don't either. That you get to just be dumb still, as many times you want. That you'd rather keep your heart warm, no matter how close it is to be burned. And then there's also trust. Not in any sort of happy ending, just that what's meant to be will be. That the right person will see you for who you are, and somehow like what they see.

*

So now you have hope. The very thing that could crush you when you're up high enough. But it's ok, you want to be strong anyway. And only after tested, you'll get to make that claim. So you look inside and recognise that all these are simply the part and parcel of caring. And for better or worse, you think it's worth it.

If my heart were cold

Words take no effort

Actions mirror intentions

Not a sliver of doubt

That i'm an ok person

I'll collect gazes as compliments

Cultivate nonchalance

Treat interactions as if they were not 

Results of thousands of past lives intertwined

But man does it bother me

The possibility that somehow that version

Would be the one that'd fit

Into the grand puzzle that is your life

The ideal you would put on a pedestal

For to be honest

I left with words unsaid, questions unasked

Not too many but nevertheless

Didn't match my curiosity

And i don't want you to have doubts

Like the ones i have

And i want you to see through the mere mortal i am

Who worry of taking up space and time you'd rather save

If that makes me uncool, then so be it

If this adds to your burden, load it off somewhere

But man do i wish

That your eyes would see

If i didn't care, i wouldn't even blip

If my heart were cold, it would only care to impress

With every flaws i shared

There engraved sincerity

No longer strangers

Should i play it cool And pretend that i didn't just lose A good night of sleep Over the thought of you Would you flash a smirk If i were to tell you It's just hours of being together But I'll recite them over and over At least for the next one week, I'm sure Or would I see once more The sparks in your eyes That were more honest than any words And in that split second Our hearts somehow Touched the tips of each other

Prove the world wrong

Be direct, be straightforward
Take no prisoners
Don't leave my own story to chance

Ask, demand
Any answer will point the way forward
No use in getting entangled
In this space where I'd need to doubt my senses
And interpret the whispers of my heart

But you're not any other person
Sounds cliche but you're one in a million
Or maybe even a billion

Worth confusing myself for
Worth an unproductive, melancholic night
Or maybe even a couple of those
Worth the heartbreak that may come after
Although dare I say

I see a light at the end of the tunnel

And I'm not any other person
For better or worse my heart is not in confinement
These days it beats to the rhythm of you
That much, I know is true

Uh yes this takes some time
Hm no I'm not sure what the future holds
But as you pull your weight
I'll lift it off
And we'll prove the world wrong

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Commentary:

This is based on some real feelings, even so loosely and exaggeratedly

My heart is wayyyy ahead of my brain sometimes

It's that tiny little glance

That you need not spare

It's those couple strings of words

Make me think you care

When you paused when you could walk by

For once i didn't want to be shy

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Commentary:

I wrote the last two lines on Thursday, 4 January 2024. It's about something that took place recently.

The first four lines were in my notes for quite some time, although I didn't record when exactly.

Some moments in life, I look at someone and I can almost feel with absolute certainty that this person is gonna play a big part in my life. Or maybe we have met in the past ones? Idk, you can call it intuition, or maybe just wishful thinking.

I can't tell if this is going anywhere, but anyway this is the first time I'm putting my feelings out there. Why? Just a wish that by some miracle, one day you'll have a reason to be here and read this.

Some moments in life, you know you have little control over some things. Friends call you silly and be like 😮‍💨🙄 but yo they choose to befriend a hopeless romantic. I could be in for a long wait, but that, I can take. Say it's nothing worthwhile, to me it's worthwhile even if it's nothing.

Part one of my "dream"

Like any other kid growing up to be a teen, of course, I have many dreams. And a huge part of them is always tied to jobs. Don't ask me why I dream of labor.. maybe I actually love doing things and knowing that my work helps others somehow. And also to enjoy nice things in life.

Scientist (oh man lil Cindy didn't have a clue), detective, badminton coach, fashion designer, marine biologist, Chinese medicine practitioner, and finally, psychologist. If you've been here before, you might already know that I did study psychology, but never ended up being a proper psychologist.

But apart from those very concrete, very specific jobs that I had come to know and imagined myself doing, there's one moment from my teenage years that I clearly remember.

I can't remember which year it was, but I was just starting to discover and fall in love with this thing called the internet. What it does to me then and now, is open doors. And it's also my window to the world.

Imagine sitting down in your house and yet being able to be in touch with what people in Denmark care about, the emerging fashion trends from Paris, and what the west side of the world thinks about equality. I thought about how great it would be if one day, I can get a job where I can be on the internet, browsing and finding and learning new stuff all day every day. It sounded kinda incredible at that time because obviously, that kind of job didn't exist. Well, some lucky people get to be a blogger, but for 99% others it probably wasn't a feasible money-making thing.

But man.. fast forward 10 years later and here I am. Writing, being on the internet all the time, making life easier for people, and getting paid for it. In many ways, it's really a dream come true. My official title, content designer (or UX writer, depending on where you work), didn't even exist back then. When I was in uni realising that I gave too much practical advice to be a psychologist, I wanted to be a copywriter. Ok, tbh copywriter isn't that far away from a content designer.. but they're different.

I was having dinner with some friends and we were talking about the tech field being in shambles these days when the fact that I'm living my dream crossed my mind again. And that's why I started writing this with my phone just before going to bed that night. Luck plays a part, for sure.

My first company took chance on someone who has a very minimal portfolio but hmmm demonstrated a good thought process.

>>

I somehow gained enough confidence to apply for a role at Facebook, got through up till the last stage, and took back precious learnings of what I was not doing enough.

>>

As the more senior people left my company at that time, I got to work on and get involved deeper with big projects.

>>

And because I was feeling good and productive, I took on the chance to volunteer as a content strategist with a non-profit that tried to build low-cost ventilators.

>>

Thanks to that slight familiarity with the health industry (and probably other things too), I got a job at a fast-growing health-tech company.

>>

Learned so so much in a year, but in the end, I felt like I gave too much and didn't have the capacity, emotional bandwidth, and support to "hone my craft".

>>

I probably would have bear with it longer, if not for my breakup. Was feeling decisive and was like "oh yup maybe something else would suit me better"

>>

Got a job at a company with probably one of the most established content design teams

So yeah, that's where I am. In the past almost one year, I have been learning a lot. Getting to know some very nice, super-smart people. Working on complicated projects that could sometimes take way longer than I imagined to launch (for a good reason, I always hope). Seeing right in front of me how a good content design team operates, the standard being held, the crits, the forums to show your work. It's amazing.

At this moment, I am what I wanted to be.

I feel like I have been riding a wave, it brought me to this good place that.. is good. But now, I can't help to feel like it's time to swim to catch a new wave.

A big part of this comes from simply being inspired by people that I interact with day to day. I used to think that to be a great content designer, then well you need to be great at designing content. No shit. But just during the first few weeks of being in my current company, I realised that it's only one piece out of the whole puzzle. Of course, you need to meet a certain standard there, but I noticed that people have their own strengths and are good at different things.

It's the things like approaching and documenting projects very systematically so that every discussion point is recorded and can be referred to anytime. Facilitating a good brainstorming session where people feel included. Following up and leaning into action to keep the momentum going. Sharing about your work confidently, and yet being open to constructive feedback, not just affirmation. Being curious and experimental in trying to make the process better. Showing up even when you're not feeling particularly motivated. And a few more.

Out of those points, I am better at some and worse at others. I don't think it's realistic to be great at everything, but what I want to do is double down on my strengths and identify a couple of areas that I care more about and actively improve on those.

A second angle that I'm thinking about is the impact I'm making. Naturally, I have a very soft way of approaching things and also a zen understanding of life. Don't get me wrong, I feel that it's a good thing and will not have it any other way. It also brings me to good places. But the concept that recently came to me is that: I don't have to see "strong" as the opposite of "soft". I can anticipate without worrying. I can request without demanding. I can teach without prescribing. I can invest and not feel like I'm wasting anything. I can demand more of myself without being hard on myself. I can have high hopes and still be content.

At the end of the day, I feel like I can be more. So that's where I'm swimming towards 🏝️