Mayonaise

Okay first of all this post is titled Mayonaise, just like the Smashing Pumpkins song, with only a single 'n'. And the reason? Because some particular lyrics from that song quite fit my feelings right now.. yeah, those in italic.

Fool enough to almost be it  

Cool enough to not quite see it 

Doomed 

Pick your pockets full of sorrow 

And run away with me tomorrow 

June  

We'll try and ease the pain 

But somehow we'll feel the same 

Well, no one knows 

Where our secrets go 

I send a heart to all my dearies 

When your life is so, so dreary 

Dream 

I'm rumored to the straight and narrow 

While the harlots of my perils 

Scream 

And I fail 

But when I can, I will 

Try to understand 

That when I can, I will 

Mother weep the years I'm missing 

All our time can't be given 

Back 

Shut my mouth and strike the demons 

That cursed you and your reasons 

Out of hand and out of season 

Out of love and out of feeling 

So bad 

When I can, I wil 

lWords defy the plan 

When I can, I will 

Fool enough to almost be it 

And cool enough to not quite see it 

And old enough to always feel this 

Always old, I'll always feel this 

No more promise no more sorrow 

No longer will I follow 

Can anybody hear me 

I just want to be me 

When I can, I will 

Try to understand 

That when I can, I will

Anyway, don't assume this is school related, because it is not. Just a little bit update, uni life is so far so good. Up to today, almost everyday is enjoyable and in addition to that, I feel I have learnt and gained a lot. Time management, which I had never considered before, is very essential here. Also, participating in CCAs and becoming sub-committee of organizations teach me how to discuss and tackle technical matters. Also as we are quite busy here, I find some changes in myself. First, I no longer want to waste my time. Meaning is, it's not that I avoid leisure and devote myself entirely in studying and catching up with the lectures. It is that I do play, eat, meet up with friends, do assignment, get involved in events, do voluntary work, etc etc. Only this time, I realize that I don't have all the time in the world. So, I make it a point that in everything I do, I will give my one hundred percent. Second, I learn to take opportunities. Honestly, I am a pretty passive person. I am more like the one who go with the flow rather than the one who create waves. Therefore, most of my life I seldom bother to do things that I find unnecessary. But since I am in uni, it sorts of changed. Now I think it is quite good to get involved a bit, as you never know what an opportunity can offer. New experience, of course. And maybe interesting people too haha.

Okay so about the lyrics.. actually I'm just kind of disappointed. Like when you like or admire a person, but not necessarily in romantic way, and you believe that the other person is so good, so role model material, and maybe you build some hope around that person. And then you start to notice that the person is not that good after all. It's disappointing, I have to say. A part of me enjoys having someone to look up to, the other part knows damn well that the person may not be good enough. But you already like the person quite a lot. It is that time you gotta choose, you can back up right now or you can try again, rewind all the good things that happened in the good times. Honestly I don't know what to do. I am acting unaffected and as a matter of fact, I am unaffected. It is just that I don't want to lose a 'north star' that I've found.
Anyway at this point, I start to find that the lyrics don't really relate with the situation lol. But still, it is a great song so here is the youtube link

Enjoy and bye!