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Starting on the journey of becoming twenty-something. A psychology student who is interested in photography, design, and advertising. Find pleasure in art, food, music, and good books. I like to play badminton and I support Arsenal Football Club. I wish for a world where everyone is free to love.

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Tuesday 14 August 2018

A ̶L̶o̶v̶e̶ Letter

I remember when we were together, you mentioned about how I've never mentioned anything about you in my blog. Or something along that line. Well, I was certainly planning to, but I felt quite happy the whole time and was always looking forward to making another memory with you. If I were to write a blog post, I thought it would be troublesome to keep updating it all the time. A better idea would be to make a dedicated website for us, which you would like to start coding from scratch and I had started thinking about the possible content.

But of course, as you read this, our relationship is no more. For me, today's talk kinda gives me the confidence to move on. You were reluctant to clarify things and to be honest, I still feel the gap between this and that. It's okay though, I can jump over that gap if it could give you a peace of mind. Some other things, like your intentions, were quite clear.

Now it crosses my mind how "confidence" might sound like a strange choice of word. I wanted to think of a better one but explaining my thought will be easier, so here I am trying to put into words the feelings I was so bad at describing in speech (which frustrates you all the time lol). After our relationship ended, naturally I was very sad. Mainly because there were so many questions about where did it come from, what triggered it, was there anything we could do to fix this, etc. You know how persistent I was in trying to see it as a phase we had to go through. Enter the second week, I made a decision to not pursue it anymore. Basically it means I realized that we shouldn't force things. What it doesn't mean is that I will stop loving you. From my point of view, this was perfectly okay because I am pretty great at embracing and managing feelings. I don't mind being in love, no matter the situation. It's entirely my problem and you don't have to be bothered by that.

So... coming back to our talk this Saturday, I felt that it fits to let things go now. Imagine if there was a switch regulating my feeling, it's turned off now. I am sorry we can't share more milestones together. No more hour long phone conversation that takes a lot of effort (I am already like semi-deaf in real life and obviously worse on phone, making you keep repeating stuffs). No more negotiating whether we should get a meal at hawker center or go to some fancy places instead. No more complaining about the fan speed that made me felt sick, but happily bore with anyway. No need for me to open a secret bank account to fulfill my occasionally lavish purchases. No need for you to settle down and lead a so-called mundane life you never wished for.

Really, there were so many things that I looked forward doing with you. Celebrating our first anniversary at MBS, spending Christmas and New Year's Eve, moving in together, going for a vacation in Australia, taking a walk in the park every weekend (with our dog perhaps), cooking for each other, late night talks before bed sharing what happened throughout the day, listening to you talking about some abstract stuffs that I would always need a while to process, spending a lazy Sunday binge watching TV and Youtube shows together (preferably in a room with aircon, king sized bed with quilt and many pillows), and holding your hand wherever we go, among many others.

Although now all of that sounds unlikely to happen and remains a pipe dream, I still consider myself lucky to have met you. We started getting closer during a very crucial period in my university life. Juggling between doing course projects, finishing up final year project, and finding a full time job was real tough. I am glad I had you by my side. Seeing your face, your smile, or just reading our chat never failed to give me the kick I needed to face the day. When I lied down at night, even your pestering me to go to doctor started to make sense, no matter how disheartened I was when you said it at first. Expected encouraging words but given practical advice instead lol.

The days after university ended felt like a dream. Many many things to celebrate and I had some of the happiest moments of my life. Thank you for being a part of it and sharing them with me, I swear I will cherish them forever. Though you might disagree one way or another, I also felt very loved. Even the smallest things like your saying "let me know when you get home", helping me to buy yong tau foo, and your willingness to accompany me for a whole day even though you're tired af, really mean a lot. Being with you also makes me realize how I am capable to love someone so wholeheartedly.



At this point, I'm thinking maybe I've been writing this for too long. I started on Saturday night after we met and continued a bit every night after, so let's wrap this up soon. Of course I am sad we end up like this. I also hate the fact that now when everything else is going so well, I am unable to enjoy it with you. I'd always thought that we would be spending some time together after a whole day of work and be a source of energy for each other (thank God I do like my current job and it actually makes me feel better). But yup I decided to move on, so these thoughts wouldn't be in my mind so often anymore. After all, if I could have a single wish come true, it would be for you to be happy. I hope that you will always be healthy, have a fulfilling life, able to explore whatever things you're interested in, surrounded by people who love and care about you, have great relationship with your family, and excel in the stuffs you care about. Do keep in touch if that's not too hard. Till next time bruhh 👊




p.s. I will take good care of myself as well, lead a healthier lifestyle (less junk food, less sweets, and get enough sleep), so don't worry!

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